I have been thinking about you all day. I promise I am not one of those creepy guys you have been warned about by your grandmother and ten generations of women before you. Nor will I lie and say I am perfect.
You were driving my thoughts today. I swear you were not an idle thought nor were you a destructive one. Thinking about you helped me think about the future- something I have promised myself to think about frequently.
I think I have met you somewhere between my dreams and real life. I will resort to thinking that I do not know you. Writing this letter to you, I am between understanding whether I am in a relationship or not. That is another thing about me: I like figuring things out. It often lands me into trouble or even heartbreak in some instances. I remember how I wanted to understand why the square root of a negative number could not be found; at least that is what my Math teacher told me at that time. I was heartbroken. But not as heartbroken as the time I figured out that my then girlfriend was in love with someone else. In fact, I had always known. I had just refused to accept it. I guess I was just going through a phase in my life. A phase of trying to understand what love truly means. I really never found the meaning. I’ve had too many phases in my life. At some point I nearly gave up on life and love. By that, I do not mean I wanted to kill myself. But I murdered my soul with vengeance and deceit. That was not quite helpful. I became an angry, bitter and revolting human being. I had given up on love until now. I will not lie to you and say you taught me how to love or made me believe in love. That would be a lie. A terrible lie. It would a very cheesy statement and might be taken as a wooing tool. I will not dispute the fact that I am cheesy. I am cheesier that the toasted cheese and ham sandwich I will make you for breakfast when we fight. You see, that was cheesy.
Let me be honest: I really do not know what love is. But I know who Love is. Love is God who will enable me to love you even when my heart loses the capacity to love. Love is Him who will enable me to trust you with my fickle and broken heart because it has been shattered and misled too many times. Love is Him who has enabled me to see beauty in thy heart because I know beauty soon perishes.
I still have not bought into this whole marriage idea. I believe it is merely a conspiracy theory that makes people lose themselves to other people leaving nothing for themselves in pursuit of love. It is a mechanism that makes people think they have no reason to live without the other person. If that is the case for you, I really do not think we are meant for each other. If that was the case, I would not be writing this letter to you. I want you to be with me if that is what the Lord has purposed in your heart. I am not perfect but I know I can love you perfectly.
I want to assure you of something- I will constantly seek counsel from the Lord to enable me to love you as you desire. I do not want you to respect me. I want you to love me. For I know the collision of our love for eachwill consume us and give rise to respect. Mutual respect. Our respect will be founded on God’s love for us.
Culture has already prescribed what kind of a wife you should be. Scrap that. You are not married to culture, you are married to me. I will not expect you to cook for me when you do not want to- my parents raised me in a manner that the kitchen is also for boys like me (stay tuned for more awesome cuisines). You will not abandon your dreams and career because you need to fulfill your “womanly duties”. I have loved you with all those dreams and aspirations. You are woman enough for me.
You are not the sole reason I breathe but I want you to become the reason I believe God can make a lousy person like me believe that love has two feet, hands and eyes. If you ever gave up on love, I would not blame you. I am to blame. There are many of us going on the streets and selling you dreams. Dreams we do not even have. There are many of us who walk around with sheep skins and carnivorous hearts. We are busy devouring your precious souls and making you hate the sight of men. I take full responsibility for the way my generations, the past one and my forefathers have treated the female race. It was totally uncalled for. I am sorry to you and every woman I have treated in a foul and inhumane manner.
With that, I would like to get into some apologies. I am sorry I am always going to want to protect you. I am not a chauvinist but I believe your heart deserves to be protected. I have seen it, it is as fragile as mine. I know you would do the same for me. Our hearts should be protected from the deceit we are going to be told about love and everything the world believes to be right.
Once more, I apologize for being cheesy. Like I said, my cheesiness is not the “I-want-something-from-you-and-I-say-sweet nothings” cheesy. It is the kind of cheesiness that comes from the heart. I apologize for remembering your birthday, the day we met, our first kiss, first Christmas, our marriage proposal, first date, first anniversary, our first bus ride together, first conversation and everything else that is of importance. I am sorry for getting you roses for each of those days. I am also sorry for not remembering all of those important days. And if I don’t, please do not hate me and stuff yourself with tubs of ice cream. Regardless of my forgetful nature, I will never forget my love for you.
I am sorry if I am not going to allow you to feel less of a human being because you want to make me happy and protect my ego from bruising. Even if you will earn more than me, I will never expect you to be apologetic about that. I will love you despite your bank balance. I really do not want to be the “head” of the house like culture and religion instruct me to be. I want us to be heads of the house. I do not want you to be the “neck”. We will be the double headed cobra household my grandfather has always taught me about. In doing this, I will not doubt that you will be able to see where I cannot and vice versa. Who needs a neck when we can have two heads that are grounded in Christ and constantly getting balance from Him?
I am sorry for all the nights I am going to keep you awake praying for you. I have a request: please do not hide under the bed sheets, come kneel next to me and thank God for His love.
Forgive me for everything else I cannot do and love me for all that I am.
Finally, forgive me for airing my commitment to you to the whole world.
Your Future Husband