Seasons come and go but I was expecting people to stay much longer. I thought the only stable thing about this life was people. I guess I was wrong. It hurts even more when you have done nothing to compromise that relationship. Believe me, I am not a love sick puppy. I just hold those dear to me in high regard. But change doesn’t care about that; It hurts a lot when long texts turn into one word responses. Conversations are now awkward and you feel like you don’t know each other anymore. It is even worse when you stare into each other’s eyes yet you feel disconnected; you pass each other like strangers. The same person who knows your deepest darkest secrets. The person who knows things that can make your parents disown you.
I curse the man who lied to me and told me that change is good. They say change is the only thing that is the only constant thing but the by-product of it hurts. If I were to right a letter to change this is what I would say:
I trust this letter finds you well.
I regret to tell you that you have been used to drag me down and turned me into something I am not. I don’t know why I am apologising but I think you know by now that I am don’t really like you. You are the reason why I get sun burn and pimples in summer. You are the main reason why I fall sick and get bed ridden between autumn and winter. My cupboard is filled with things that should make me deal with you better. Pills and tissues. Instead of making me feel better about you, they have made me hate every sight of you.
I hate you. You are the reason why I cry myself to sleep and made me wonder about before I do anything. My conscience knows you by scent now. You are the reason why I cannot be stable and make wonder in which form you will reappear. Sometimes you appear as death and take away those I care about, at times you come as friends and make me wonder who I truly am. You are the reason why I stopped believing in love for a while. I got in and out of relationships, because suddenly I was too different for my partner or the dynamics of our relationship had CHANGED! How dare you make me lose the ones I care about? How dare you come to my life without an invitation? How dare you treat me like this? What manner of man are you? Shouldn’t you be good to me?
But, I don’t hate you that much. You have opened my eyes more than you have pierced my heart.
I am totally aware that the world is not a wish granting factory. Stability is not permanent and people come and go. You made me realise that in as much as I want people around me, I have no one but myself. After all, you are not such a baddie. But you indeed broke my heart.
Thank you for all the life experience.
The Boy Whose Afraid of Change